Thoughts on Coloring

On rainy days I always enjoy killing some time with Munchkin by coloring. It is something I always loved as a kid and he really enjoys it as well. However, there are a few things about coloring that have always bugged me, even as a kid. Maybe I am just really anal about coloring. This is what I am thinking when I color:

1.I kinda like the smell of crayons. Brings back fun memories of coloring as a kid.

2.Why do they need to put white animals or objects in coloring books? The white crayon does not show up on white paper and having a huge picture of a polar bear or lamb that I can’t color frustrates me.

3.Why do they always show grass in coloring books as little clumps here and there. It looks like my people or animals are floating on some barren landscape with a few pieces of grass popping up. I could try and fill in the whole bottom landscape with green crayon, but then it just looks messy and my edges never come out even.

4.What the hell is with all the damn colors that come in a box of crayons now? I just want RED! I want my apple to be RED. I don’t need it to be Orange-red, or Brick-red, Scarlet, or Razzmatazz. I think the next color I am going to suggest to Crayola is Aunt Flow Red. That should spark some interesting questions and provide an educational conversation while coloring.

5.I HATE crayons that have lost their labels. You pick up one that you assume is black to color Frosty the Snowman’s hat and WTF?! Now Frosty has a dark blue hat.

6. I feel bad for broken crayons. No one ever wants to use them and sometimes they are so small you can't even hold them. I saw something on Pinterest about melting them down into one big colorful crayon. Might try that.

A Lot of Nothing

Happy Friday Everyone!

Not much has been going on lately so I have been a bad blogger. Here is a quick update as to what has been going on and what is on my mind in bullet points:

- Mother's Day is Sunday and while I am looking forward to family time, I am sad Munchkin's mom wants Munchkin for Mother's Day. Usually she tries to get rid of all the kids so she can have a "her day" but for some reason this year she wants him. *sigh*

- Dragon and I took a Gun Safety in the Home class this week. It was so imformative and I can't wait to get shooting at the new Gun Club we just joined. I can ake out some frustrations on a target. Wonder if I can blow up a life sized picture of Munchkin's mom for target practice? Somehow I don't think they will allow that LOL!

- Munchkin recently learned how to ride his bike with no training wheels! I am so proud of him!

- I miss my granmother (Mom's mom). She passed away almost 2 years ago but I still feel like I should be able to pick up the phone and call her. I wish I could wish her a Happy Mother's Day.

- My cherry trees are blooming! For the new people to my blog, you may have missed this Cherry Tree post.I am so excited they are alive and actually blooming. I just wish it didn't take so many years for trees to grow. I want cherries already!!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Human Nature to be Horny

I hate hormones. I have finally come to a place where I am happy with my life and have accepted the fact that I will not have a biological child between Dragon and I. But then the hormones kick in (when they feel like it). Those hormones that make you dream of babies, get your biological clock ticking, and to put it frankly, make you horny. It is basic human nature to want to procreate. This is why our bodies make us feel this way and put all these warm fuzzy feelings of wanting a baby and dreams about babies and the raw sexual desires to jump any male in range (ok well maybe not any male, but even the strange nerdy office guy starts looking good during this time of the month). It is so unfair. It’s a constant reminder that I am supposed to be procreating yet with a cruel twist of not being able to. Come on body, get with the program. If you are going to give me the urge to procreate than make my body able to do it!!!

On a positive note, Dragon sure is in for a fun night!

The Numbers Game

Well it seems lottery fever has hit the nation once again! Everyone who has bought tickets seems to be in a giddy mood today. Plus it’s Friday, so that just adds to the giddiness. Is giddiness a word? I don’t know but it’s fun to say. I have bought into an office pool and plan on getting a few more on the way home from work, so I think I should be covered. I know my chances of winning are the same as being hit by a meteor or getting a flesh eating disease, but hey, it could happen! Anything is possible! Well hopefully not the flesh eating disease or meteor part! Well maybe the meteor since I think you can get good money for discovering those, but if it hits me and I am dead, then that won't be worth it. Anyways, I digress....

I think biggest part of playing the lottery is the fun of dreaming and the hope that it brings to everyone. Even if it is just for a few hours. Dreaming of your reaction when you hear the news when you win, who you would tell, what you would buy with the money, who would you give money to. I just keep thinking of that show on TV “How the Lottery Changed My Life” or something like that. I just PRAY I would be responsible with the money and even though my life will change, (obviously how could it not with that much money!) that I won’t ruin my life. I have a feeling that is the one thing that wouldn’t happen. After everything Dragon and I have gone through, I think it has brought us even closer. I don’t think all the money in the world would be able to tear us apart. Plus, we are already used to the number’s game. We are already used to wishing and hoping and having our hopes raised and then to have them ripped from our hands and hearts. I don’t think infertility is much different than playing the lottery. It’s a game of numbers, hope and chance. One that we have also never one. And because we have never won in the IF Numbers Game, I can’t exactly say how it would turn out if we won the real Numbers Game. But I think we are prepared and are in a better place than most who have not had IF touch their lives.

As I walked into work this morning I was greeted by all my co-workers' happy chatter about what they would do when they won the lottery tonight. It was the normal dreams of new cars, bigger houses, and giving to family. As I sat listening I realized how different I was from these people. Yes I would definitely want a new car and a bigger home and to give to family and friends. But not for all the same reasons. I would want a bigger home and a bigger car because I would finally have the finances needed to build the larger family I have always wanted. I would be able to afford adoption. To bring the child or children into our lives that I was never able to have on my own. And that to me is the biggest hope for me and why I want to win the lottery.

So in conclution..here are my plans for when I win the lottery tonight (Always think positive, right?!)

1. Pass out when I find out I won
2. Jump up and down and start crying and hugging Dragon
3. Hire a Lawyer and Tax Accountant.
4. Pay off house and debts.
5. Buy new 8 passenger cars for Dragon and I.
6. Buy a larger house with plenty of bedrooms.
7. Start the adoption process.
8. Give to family, friends, and charities.
9. Start a charity for adoption or IF help so other IF couples can have the family they always wanted.
10. Invest wisely and live happily ever after.

Oh yeah, and somewhere in there quit my job! Duh!!

What is PAIL???

Can someone please tell me what PAIL is and what the heck is going on? I have seen so many posts about it and controversy that I feel like I am not in the loop! From what I see it seems to be a separate Blog site from Mel's that is just for women who have suffered IF and then got pg? Is this still part of Mel's Stirrup Queen blog or created by someone totally different. And why does Mel have to update their blogroll if it isn't part of her site? So many questions!!

Teach Your Children Well

I am sorry if this post offends anyone, but it is just my personal opinions and rants I need to get off my chest that was sparked by an incedent that happened this morning at the gas station.....

So, like I said, I was at the gas station this morning just pumping my gas and a women pulls up to the pump behind me with some kind of crossover or small SUV. I immediately notice she has 3 small kids crammed in the back seat. Two of the kids appear to be under 5 and one looked to be about 9 months. The women runs into the gas station to pay for her gas and I am just trying to mind my own business while watching the cute little 9 month old smile and make faces. While watching her I notice there is smoke or something rising from the dashboard in the front seat. I immediately panick and start thinking "Holy shit there is a fire in this women's car, save the children!" I quickly look around and the women is still in the gas station. At this point common sense kicks in and I realize it is pretty doubtful there is a fire in this woman's car. If it was a fire there would of been more smoke. And how the hell would a fire start inside the car in a matter of seconds anyway?? I look carefully again and think, well maybe it is a hot cup of coffee and it's just steam coming up from it. I am trying not to look like I am some wacko stairing at the children in a plot to abduct them while the mother is away and figure out what the heck is going on in the car and if the kids are in danger or not. It is then that I realize it must be from a cigarette. I keep glancing over at the car trying to act normal and definately come to the conclusion it is a cigarette. This women left her, or someone's, three small kids in a car with all the windows up with a lit cigarette in the front seat while she went into the gas station. She then came out and started pumping her gas for at least another five minutes, then got into her car, immediately picked up the cigarette and drove off while smoking away.

I seriously have nothing against people who smoke. I choose not to, but that is a choice that I made and I beleive everyone has the right to make their own choices in life. However, I would have thought it was common sense enough to NEVER leave your kids, or someone else's kids, unattended in a car with a lit cigarette. Apparently I thought wrong! I also think it is awful (here is where people might get offended!!) when I see people smoking in a car with all the windows up and there are kids in the car. Those kids should be able to have the choice of whether or not they want to inhale smoke. I am not saying this woman was a bad mother/babysitter or whatever, I just think it is a bad choice and so WRONG! Please people, think about your actions and how they effect others. Especially children who can't control the environment they live in and depend on us adults to keep them safe and healthy.

This point also lead me to thinking about all the awful things that happen to children. Obviously these things are nothing compared to smoking with kids in your car, but it just lead me down that road of thinking.

Lately it seems there are so many child abuse cases, sexual abuse cases, mother's and fathers, and step parent's killing their children. Not to mention kids killing other kids or taking their own lives from bullying or other abuse. Sometimes I really question if it is right to bring a child into this world. It makes me so sad to see the world as it is now and how much it has changed from when I was a kid.

This world is a scary place.

If you are a mother, please teach your children well. Teach them the dangers of strangers and things that just don't seem right. Teach them what to do if they are ever in a dangerous situation. Know when to protect them and know when they need to know the scary truth so they are prepared for what they might face.

And most of all, teach them LOVE! Love for THEMSELVES and for others....

End of the Road

I know I have been away for a while, but I really didn’t have too much going on to report. I tried to start my last IUI cycle in December and was put on BCP’s again because my FSH was still high. Then we tried AGAIN at the beginning of January, but my FSH was still too high.  After 3 months of BCPs my FSH was 45.  My RE wanted it much lower to start a cycle. He wanted me to take 3 more shots of Ganarelix and do BCPs again for another month. I remember it was 3:00 PM when I got the message they wanted me on Ganarelix again. I would have had to leave work and drive an hour the wrong way in traffic to get my meds and then another hour and 45 minutes to get home. I just had this huge feeling of dread in me and knew right then and there I was done.  The thought of doing a 4th month of BCPs to try to lower my FSH from 45 to somewhere below 20 was just ridiculous to Dragon and I and we knew it wouldn’t happen. After 3 months of BCP’s my FSH went from 47 to 45. At this rate I won’t be ready to cycle until I’m 60! We were both just so tired of the emotional rollercoaster we have been on the past 2 years and all the shots, driving, appointments, supplements, diets, changing RE’s, disappointment, etc that we just decided to call it quits. It wasn’t that we were giving up, just that we know we have done all we can and tried everything possible and we are both ready to face the fact that it isn’t going to happen, at least not with my OEs. As I mentioned in my last post, it has taken me a long time to get to this point of acceptance and I am happy with my life as it is and ready to just move on and live my life. I know it won’t be perfect and IF will always be a part of me, like a scar on my soul that will never really go away, but it no longer hurts as much as it did and I know I am strong enough to not let it rule my life anymore.

This blog will no longer talk about TTC, so I will not be upset if you decide not to follow me anymore. I will continue to just post major events as they happen in Dragon and I's life and updates about the Munchkin. I wish everyone who is going through IF the best of luck and I hope everyone gets their BFP’s in 2012!!  Baby dust to all!!!!